I really really do not want to write this post. I am at work, it is 3:30 and I have another hour and a half left before I can leave. I might go crazy if I can’t find something else to do.
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I don’t know why, but it seems like the pendulum swings quickly and drastically between wanting to blog, and not wanting to blog. For the last couple of weeks, I have felt empty of the energy to write. Not sure what I want to say, not wanting to whine and feeling like the only words I want to type with honesty are negative. I guess if I am going to blog today, I’m going to have to be honest about my current situation. There is nothing else I want to write about.
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I consider myself to be an over-thinker. At my best, my over-thinking results in creativity, motivation and a positive sense of self awareness. At my worst, I am a deeply sensitive, tightly wound ball of negative energy spiraling out of control. I go through periods where I float through my day in a cloud of spinning thoughts feeling like a prisoner in my own head. Nighttime is even worse because the spinning thoughts keep me from falling asleep and awaken me very early in the morning.
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In the past year I’ve been through a several of these episodes, each one a little worse than the last. I’ve done many things that I am ashamed of in attempt to relieve the anxiety. I can tell you that most of those attempts had negative consequences and did not result in any lasting relief from the anxiety. They only brought a false and fleeting sense of control.
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I am happy to report that today, despite being deep inside this pit of anxiety, I have not had a drink in over 10 days, I am regularly eating 3 (fairly balanced) meals and 3 snacks, I am not over-exercising (I ran only 20 miles last week) and I am talking to a therapist on a weekly basis.
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About a week ago I added another weapon to my anxiety arsenal. I started on a low dose antidepressant. I was on one about 6 years ago while I was recovering from my eating disorder and I remember it taking the edge off of the swirling thoughts. I’m pretty sure my anxiety has a genetic component to it. I probably inherited it from my dad and my paternal grandmother. I wish I had gotten my mom’s easy going temperament like my sister Rachel did but I was not so lucky.
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They say I should know in a few weeks whether the med will work this time around. Unfortunately, in the meantime I’ve been dealing with some pretty nasty side effects that has really sidelined my running. It’s made me jittery, fidgety and spacey. And most troubling side effect has been that the insomnia has gotten much worse. If I hadn’t been on this particular drug before I’d have quickly discontinued it, but I know from personal experience that my body does adapt and the side effects do go away. Over the last day or two, I can tell it is beginning to happen and the side effects are lessoning – but not as much as I’d like!
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I’ve been running only as much and as fast as feels good right now – which isn’t a lot considering the lack of sleep I’ve been getting. For the moment I am no longer interested in running the marathon in San Diego. If I’m honest with myself, the only reason I wanted to train for it was to take my mind off of some of the things that are bothering me. It’s cliche but true that running from your problems won’t solve them. Yes the endorphins and physical exhaustion will take the edge off the anxiety, but it only helps to a point. If the med and the therapy don’t work in the next few weeks, maybe I will return to the idea of marathon training – but for now, one thing at a time. I just need to get through these side effects, and hope that the med will work like it did for me 6 years ago. For now I’m just taking it one day at a time, and not looking too far ahead and remaining hopeful.
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Thanks for listening and sorry for the heavy post!
