Running from Anxiety
1 Mar
I really really do not want to write this post. I am at work, it is 3:30 and I have another hour and a half left before I can leave. I might go crazy if I can’t find something else to do.
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I don’t know why, but it seems like the pendulum swings quickly and drastically between wanting to blog, and not wanting to blog. For the last couple of weeks, I have felt empty of the energy to write. Not sure what I want to say, not wanting to whine and feeling like the only words I want to type with honesty are negative. I guess if I am going to blog today, I’m going to have to be honest about my current situation. There is nothing else I want to write about.
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I consider myself to be an over-thinker. At my best, my over-thinking results in creativity, motivation and a positive sense of self awareness. At my worst, I am a deeply sensitive, tightly wound ball of negative energy spiraling out of control. I go through periods where I float through my day in a cloud of spinning thoughts feeling like a prisoner in my own head. Nighttime is even worse because the spinning thoughts keep me from falling asleep and awaken me very early in the morning.
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In the past year I’ve been through a several of these episodes, each one a little worse than the last. I’ve done many things that I am ashamed of in attempt to relieve the anxiety. I can tell you that most of those attempts had negative consequences and did not result in any lasting relief from the anxiety. They only brought a false and fleeting sense of control.
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I am happy to report that today, despite being deep inside this pit of anxiety, I have not had a drink in over 10 days, I am regularly eating 3 (fairly balanced) meals and 3 snacks, I am not over-exercising (I ran only 20 miles last week) and I am talking to a therapist on a weekly basis.
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About a week ago I added another weapon to my anxiety arsenal. I started on a low dose antidepressant. I was on one about 6 years ago while I was recovering from my eating disorder and I remember it taking the edge off of the swirling thoughts. I’m pretty sure my anxiety has a genetic component to it. I probably inherited it from my dad and my paternal grandmother. I wish I had gotten my mom’s easy going temperament like my sister Rachel did but I was not so lucky.
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They say I should know in a few weeks whether the med will work this time around. Unfortunately, in the meantime I’ve been dealing with some pretty nasty side effects that has really sidelined my running. It’s made me jittery, fidgety and spacey. And most troubling side effect has been that the insomnia has gotten much worse. If I hadn’t been on this particular drug before I’d have quickly discontinued it, but I know from personal experience that my body does adapt and the side effects do go away. Over the last day or two, I can tell it is beginning to happen and the side effects are lessoning – but not as much as I’d like!
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I’ve been running only as much and as fast as feels good right now – which isn’t a lot considering the lack of sleep I’ve been getting. For the moment I am no longer interested in running the marathon in San Diego. If I’m honest with myself, the only reason I wanted to train for it was to take my mind off of some of the things that are bothering me. It’s cliche but true that running from your problems won’t solve them. Yes the endorphins and physical exhaustion will take the edge off the anxiety, but it only helps to a point. If the med and the therapy don’t work in the next few weeks, maybe I will return to the idea of marathon training – but for now, one thing at a time. I just need to get through these side effects, and hope that the med will work like it did for me 6 years ago. For now I’m just taking it one day at a time, and not looking too far ahead and remaining hopeful.
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Thanks for listening and sorry for the heavy post!
Please don’t apologize for writing this post. In fact, I say, thank you for being brave enough to write it. I think everyone goes through similar bouts, or knows someone who does, and we draw strength in hearing that others do too, and learning how they deal with it.
I agree with Naomi… you were brave to write this out. I feel like I could have written this post myself, so I completely empathize with what you are saying. My anxiety and nerves were getting the best of me too, they’re the reason why I was feeling all dizzy and unfocused. It SUCKED!!! I’m glad you’re taking care of your needs and focusing on the main task at hand, and that’s feeling good. Too often in this life we are multi-tasking, and I think that has had a detrimental affect on lots of people. I’m guilty of multi-tasking myself, but it definitely helps to try prioritizing.
Wishing you well, sending you love and keeping my thoughts with you. You can contact me if you need anything!
Like Jill, I feel like I could have written this post. I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time! I know how difficult it can be dealing with anxiety and especially the urge to give in to negative behaviors that will temporarily help you to calm down.
One thing I learned through my own experience is that just because an anti-depressant worked for you at one point doesn’t necessarily mean it will again. Listen to your body and keep in mind that if the medication doesn’t feel right this time around, you can always try something different. You have much more control over the situation than you may know or feel.
I totally get this- some weeks I have so much to write and others, I have nothing. And with an injury (and perhpas a major sidelining looming) I am anxious and sad. And I worry, that if I am not running/tri’ing, people will stop caring what I have to say because well, duh, it is a run/tri blog.
Hm…I think you have just inspired a post in me
Alissa – please please – no need to apologize! My daughter went through a similar situation a couple years back. It is time for you to do what you need to do to get better. Thanks for sharing with us. Let me know if there’s anything we can do from the blogosphere!
Wow… I think there is something in the air. I have had some negative posts lately that have served more as therapy than anything else. Know that we are here for you.
It sound like you are taking care of yourself. You are taking care of your entire being, not just the physical or the mental. I think you are doing what it takes to be healthy.
(((hugs)))
btw, I tagged you on my blog.
The fact that you realize where you are mentally and that are taking action about it is a really good thing and shows that you are in the right path, just hold on a little longer and you will be free of the anxiety.
I have to admit that I can also be very anxious and have been in situations like what you describe, I don’t know if better or worse, but I can say that I can relate to what you are describing, however I’ve never dealt with it upfront like you are doing right now. Your post has given me some insight and some clues as to what to do the next time it comes, thank you for that.
+1 from everyone.
You are far from alone in your anxiety. I hope the treatment works again. And kudos for rearranging priorities and discounting the marathon by recognizing it was a diversion and not a true goal.
Hello, my friend. I understand the struggle of not wanting to sound weak or negative to other people. We’re here for you, and life isn’t supposed to be happy-go-lucky 100% of the time.
The good thing about anti-anxiety drugs is that there are MANY kinds. If you have a good doc, he’ll give you a couple choices to try if this one doesn’t work. Don’t get discouraged or upset if this particular type doesn’t work for you–sometimes it takes a few trial and errors.
Running is a good way to relieve average stress and anxiety, but it isn’t a cure! I wish it was too.
We are who we are, and I think that everything will work out for you. Crossing my fingers!
Hey Alissa, Sounds like you’re doing a lot of things right to fight off stress and anxiety! Just wanted to let you know I noticed the top of your sight Fuel is spelled incorrectly. Thought you might want to know in case you hadn’t noticed. BTW, I agree that pb&j is a great fuel (and cheap too)! Green monster smoothies are my favorite though right now. I just hate cleaning the blender afterward. I love your blog design and layout.
I feel badly that it’s been a while since I’ve been reading people’s blogs regularly (especially yours, now that I see this post.) I’ve gone in spurts too, writing a lot, then not writing for a few weeks at a time.
You must never apologize for the heaviness of a subject matter you use in a post. The blog is for you, and we are just fortunate that you allow us in on seeing this side of your life. I admire your ability to be so honest, and put things out there. I’m too afraid too. I’m always worried, “what if I were to look for another job at one point in my life, for whatever reason, and someone googles me and this blog comes up? what would they think then?” and then i find that thought self-censors what is written down.
You’ve told me in the past it’s fine to not really have a plan for your running. Glad to see, from your more recent post than even this one, that you are taking that advice to heart for yourself too.
Last summer/fall, I had intermittent inner ear problems and would get vertigo out of nowhere. The last time it happened I was going 70mph in the left lane of a freeway. I got so freaked out it triggered a full-blown panic attack. I had to pull over and call 911. I went to the hospital and was fine, but ever since then, even 8 months later, I get anxiety when I drive on the freeway. Lucky for me, I have to drive that stretch of road on my way to school 4 times a week but it has still been *really* tough.