An Update

8 Mar

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. I really appreciate all of your encouragement and insight. It’s comforting to know that I am not alone in my experiences.

The clouds are starting to clear –  figuratively, not literally, since it has been raining for the last two days. What I mean is that I’m starting to feel at home in my own skin again. I felt surprisingly good on my 9 mile run this weekend and over the last couple of nights I have fallen asleep easily and slept all night long.  After work most nights, I’m finding that I’m able  to sit on the couch with my husband and enjoy his company while watching an un-interesting war documentary without losing my mind. In fact I’ve spent quite a bit of time on that couch over the last few days just taking it easy. I find it amazing that I am able to do this. Usually anxious thoughts would prevent me from taking time to rest and I’d feel guilty for being unproductive. As I’m coming out of this, I am realizing just how much my body and mind are needing to recharge. I’m also noticing just how much I have used running to relieve anxiety. I honestly feel a little bit like I’ve already run on days that I haven’t! Hard to explain, but it feels a little bit like those lingering endorphins you have throughout the day after you’ve had a good early morning run. Its so weird!

So what’s next with running? I’m not sure. I am supposed to be doing a half marathon in Tucson at the end of this month, but I have a feeling I will let that pass. We shall see. I don’t have any huge goals for running at the moment. I’m sure there will come a time when I’m ready to make some, but not today. I’m definitely going to keep running. But I’m talking it day to day.

I’m sorry for the lack of commenting on all your wonderful blogs. I hope to get caught up in the next few days. Have a wonderful week and happy running!

Running from Anxiety

1 Mar

I really really do not want to write this post. I am at work, it is 3:30 and I have another hour and a half left before I can leave. I might go crazy if I can’t find something else to do.
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I don’t know why, but it seems like the pendulum swings quickly and drastically between wanting to blog, and not wanting to blog. For the last couple of weeks, I have felt empty of the energy to write. Not sure what I want to say, not wanting to whine and feeling like the only words I want to type with honesty are negative. I guess if I am going to blog today, I’m going to have to be honest about my current situation. There is nothing else I want to write about.
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I consider myself to be an over-thinker. At my best, my over-thinking results in creativity, motivation and a positive sense of self awareness. At my worst, I am a deeply sensitive, tightly wound ball of negative energy spiraling out of control. I go through periods where I float through my day in a cloud of spinning thoughts feeling like a prisoner in my own head. Nighttime is even worse because the spinning thoughts keep me from falling asleep and awaken me very early in the morning.
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In the past year I’ve been through a several of these episodes, each one a little worse than the last. I’ve done many things that I am ashamed of in attempt to relieve the anxiety. I can tell you that most of those attempts had negative consequences and did not result in any lasting relief from the anxiety. They only brought a false and fleeting sense of control.
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I am happy to report that today, despite being deep inside this pit of anxiety, I have not had a drink in over 10 days, I am regularly eating 3 (fairly balanced) meals and 3 snacks, I am not over-exercising (I ran only 20 miles last week) and I am talking to a therapist on a weekly basis.
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About a week ago I added another weapon to my anxiety arsenal. I started on a low dose antidepressant. I was on one about 6 years ago while I was recovering from my eating disorder and I remember it taking the edge off of the swirling thoughts. I’m pretty sure my anxiety has a genetic component to it. I probably inherited it from my dad and my paternal grandmother. I wish I had gotten my mom’s easy going temperament like my sister Rachel did but I was not so lucky.
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They say I should know in a few weeks whether the med will work this time around. Unfortunately, in the meantime I’ve been dealing with some pretty nasty side effects that has really sidelined my running. It’s made me jittery, fidgety and spacey. And most troubling side effect has been that the insomnia has gotten much worse. If I hadn’t been on this particular drug before I’d have quickly discontinued it, but I know from personal experience that my body does adapt and the side effects do go away.  Over the last day or two, I can tell it is beginning to happen and the side effects are lessoning – but not as much as I’d like!
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I’ve been running only as much and as fast as feels good right now – which isn’t a lot considering the lack of sleep I’ve been getting. For the moment I am no longer interested in running the marathon in San Diego. If I’m honest with myself, the only reason I wanted to train for it was to take my mind off of some of the things that are bothering me. It’s cliche but true that running from your problems won’t solve them. Yes the endorphins and physical exhaustion will take the edge off the anxiety, but it only helps to a point. If the med and the therapy don’t work in the next few weeks, maybe I will return to the idea of marathon training – but for now, one thing at a time. I just need to get through these side effects, and hope that the med will work like it did for me 6 years ago. For now I’m just taking it one day at a time, and not looking too far ahead and remaining hopeful.
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Thanks for listening and sorry for the heavy post!

On the Mend

11 Feb

I’m still on the mend from being sick over the past weekend. I’ve been feeling better during the day and able to finally breathe normally through my nose, but I am still very tired and mentally a little foggy. I have tried to write this post several times now but the energy to put the thought into it was just not there.  I have run about 3 miles every evening since Monday and my endurance and speed are nearly non-existent. It’s frustrating to say the least, but I’m cutting myself some slack. I know it won’t be long until I’m back up to speed.

It looks like the Lost Dutchman Half Marathon this weekend is officially a no-go. I was going to wait and just register the morning of the race if I felt good enough, but I checked the website yesterday and it looks like the half marathon has sold out. I think that race must be getting more popular because I don’t remember that ever happening in year’s past. I’m pretty bummed, but at the same time, I was starting to think that I wasn’t going to be well enough to enjoy it anyways. Next year I guess.
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I was reading Aron’s “In My Head” post at Runners Rambles about the thoughts that bounce around in her head about training goals and races and being afraid to blog about it because it all sounds kinda crazy. I can TOTALLY relate. Right now I have a couple of kinda crazy thoughts rolling around in my head about running. I’m half afraid to state them here because there is a good chance I may not follow through.
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Ever since I read Lisa’s exciting race report over at Discovering the Meaning of Stonehenge (and congrats again to her for an amazing race and 3:57 finish!) I’ve been itching sign up for another full marathon. It’s been over a year now since I’ve run a full. Sheila and I have talked quite a bit about running the Rock N Roll Marathon in San Diego at the beginning of June. That would give us almost exactly 16 weeks to train – PERFECT! On top of that, this is the best time of year in this part of the country to train because the days are starting to get a little longer again (I won’t have to run in the dark quite as much) and of course, the temps are just fantastic.
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Aron directed me to the McMillian online calculator, where if you plug in my half marathon PR, you will see that the predicted finish time for a marathon is exactly 3:40… my Boston qualifying time. WOW. Could that actually be possible? When I ran my last full and set my 3:58 PR, it seemed like I could not possibly run any faster than that. But maybe I can with the right training program?! Aron ran a 3:40 and her half PR is nearly the same as mine.  But then, do I really want to pick a training program that has me running 40-60 miles a week? I’m not sure if I cab handle that. Maybe if I just stick with consistent speed workouts and tempo runs, I can still BQ on a plan that peaks between 40 and 50 miles per week. The FIRST plan touts that IS possible with adequate cross training. Hmmmmmmmmm.
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Other things I’ve been pondering… I have no idea how difficult the San Diego course is. The website has yet to post a map or elevation profile. I’m wondering if the course is changing this year (it’s possible because they added a half marathon). I have heard from a few people that it’s not exactly flat. Another idea I had was trying to talk Lisa into running it with me and Sheila and aiming for 3:50 – a BQ for her (Lisa, don’t you love how I put this out there without talking to you first, its called peer pressure LOL).  That idea is probably more realistic, more fun, and then I could try to hit 3:40 at the Tucson Marathon in December 2010.
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All these crazy crazy thoughts. And yet I do feel like I’m on the verge of committing to running the San Diego Rock n Roll, one way or another. I need something to look forward to… something positive to set my thoughts on. I’ve been spinning around with a lot of negative stuff lately and trying to get a handle on it. I loved Emilie’s post over at I Came To Run in which she talks about making your mind like Teflon, where you welcome the thoughts that come into your brain, but don’t allow them to stick. Instead, you let the thoughts slide off like they are hitting Teflon inside your brain. Ah, if only it were really that easy!
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Speaking of which, I have a question to ask all of you… completely unrelated to running, but it involves the thoughts I am trying to run from. Have you ever been through a situation where someone you really cared about cuts you out of their life completely and suddenly? I know most people have gone through a bad breakup or two in their lives. Up until this point I’ve been pretty lucky, mostly because I didn’t seriously date a lot of people before I met Joe. I saw plenty of my college roommates and friends go through horrible  breakups and I saw how painful it was for them. I have recently cut ties with one of my closest friends and I am completely heartbroken. It was more her decision than mine, and its a complex situation I can’t really get into. It’s been two weeks since we severed the friendship, and I still am constantly thinking about it and very sad. I’m wondering, how long does it take for things to start feeling better? Any tips or tricks for getting though this time? I am totally inexperienced in dealing with this type of thing! Thanks guys!
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